Not Good Enough
by ever4
Summary: Bella hates her life now that Edward's gone. Edward hates his life after leaving Bella. As her depression unfolds, and his self-control weakens, will the two finally be happy together again? Contains the usual: self harm, depression, & language! ON HIATUS
1. My Love

**A/N **Because I can never have enough... just a little story about Bella & Edward and what his leaving causes. I don't particularly like it as much as I liked writing _Addiction_, but since my writing seems to be a little weaker as of late, I don't want to ruin that story by writing something horrible for it. I do need to be writing, however, so hopefully this will suffice until I get back in the swing of things. Remember: reviews make me update.

_Confusing POV's:_

CPOV = Carlisle

CHPOV = Charlie

EPOV = Edward

EMPOV = Emmet

JPOV = Jacob

JAPOV = Jasper

_the rest you should be able to figure out!_

**Song For This Chapter: My Love - Sia**

**Review my lovelies! xoxo**

**BPOV**

Class was boring, as usual. English had never been my strong point; I liked reading, not writing. When it came to writing, I was… less than enthusiastic. Mostly because I was insecure about it, sure- when you valued something so much, you usually opt not to attempt it, so as not to make a complete fool of yourself. Not to mention the shame of potential failure.

"Miss Swan, what about you? What are your views on Romeo's contribution to the plot?" I was interrupted from my reverie by Mr. Berty, who was gazing at me with inquisitive eyes. I looked down at my seat as I muttered something about him playing a crucial part and forming Juliet's whole character, hoping he'd just leave it at that. Of course he didn't.

"Would you care to elaborate? Perhaps you'd like to read a paragraph of the essay you wrote? I thought it was quite well done," he finished, and I cursed silently under my breath. _No, I would not like to read a paragraph from that hideous essay._ "Miss Swan," he pressed. I flicked the rubber band at my wrist, needing at least some relief to go along with this torture. I swallowed loudly before I answered.

"Sure, Mr. Berty," I said. With grudging reluctance I picked up the paper from my desk, as we had just been given time to do a few short revisions before resuming the discussion. I tried not to think about what I was doing as I spoke, reading the section I'd written about Romeo towards the bottom half of the page.

"Romeo created Juliet. Before his glorious presence intruded upon her monotonous life, she barely acknowledged the possibilities that lay in front of her. She accepted her life the way it was, not the way it could be."

"Enter Romeo, a man who turns her dreaming into something palpable. His undying affection morphed the girl in her heart to someone worthy of his love. Her loyalty to him and to their love could well be the truest part of the story, though it inexplicably led to her demise; for everyone knows that Romeo and Juliet died. They killed themselves with the understanding that the other was dead, and because of this, many view the play as a tragedy."

"Let it not be forgotten, however, that it was not without meaning. Their deaths brought about the end of an era of trigger-ready fighters and a public with closed ears. The truce made should represent the story as something beautiful rather than tragic. For simply put, it's a tale of sacrifices necessary for producing what is good, and what must be. It's not a love story; it's a hate story. A story of ending hate," I finished lamely, glancing up to make sure he'd let me go now. The paragraph had made me oddly emotional, and I tried desperately not to think about why.

He nodded, said something like 'very good,' and went back to teaching. It was rare for teachers to give me much attention, every since _then_ they pretty much gave me my space, but Mr. Berty never seemed to have boarded that train. Another reason I hated English class.

The bell couldn't ring soon enough.

As soon as I was out, Jess was instantly blabbering at my side, seemingly uncaring to my silence as per usual. "-And it's just like, why bother, you know? I mean homecoming has always been lame, and like, why would the fact that Mike might be going with that blond girl bother me? That boy needs to just get over himself, right…" I tuned her out after I got a feel as to what she was talking about, not quite riveted by her boy problems. I focused on my next class instead, which was: _one without Edward_, my subconscious supplied. I snapped the rubber band again. That hadn't been what I meant. _Still hurt_.

"So you're not going, right? I mean, after all that happened- I still can't believe they just like, picked up and left. Whatever, they were all really weird. Like what was up with that pixie girl, anyway? She like-"

"There's nothing wrong with Alice!" I defended, the words out of my mouth before I could stop them. Jessica and I both stopped dead in our tracks, surprised by my outburst. I rarely ever spoke these days. "Sorry," I rushed, "What I meant to say was…you shouldn't judge people so harshly, Jess. And I think Mike was only going with Natasha because he wanted to make you jealous," I lied. Better to distract her than continue with the subject at hand.

"Oh my God, do you really think so? I knew it all along though, you know, he's always been…" I sighed internally. High school could be so boring some days.

**EPOV**

I was not going to call Bella. I was not going to call Bella. I was not going to…run back to Forks and take her in my arms and- _get a hold of yourself_, I commanded. I wondered, for the thousandth time, what she was thinking of right now. _Maybe I could just call Alice and… _No! I couldn't do anything of the sort, I'd promised. I'd _sworn_ to her that it would be like I never existed, and if I didn't exist, I certainly wouldn't know what she was doing right now. Or tomorrow. Or… _no._

I couldn't; I just couldn't. _For her sake_, I reminded myself. For her happy, normal human life's sake.

… But if I wasn't considered dead yet, then it was killing me not to.

**BPOV**

I'd made it to lunch, if just barely. The worst time of the day- no Cullen's to sit with. Normally I'd man their table alone, or drudgingly endure the company of my old friends, but today I couldn't do any of it. Plus that would mean eating, and my appetite was zero to none at the moment. Ugh.

I hurried to the library, burying myself in the comfort of the silence it brought along with it. Our librarians were especially strict, meaning there was '_Absolutely no talking in the library, Mrs. Swan.'_ Just what I needed, I was so sick of bitchy teenage girls and homecoming and dances and dating and boys and _life_.

I was dangerously aware that I was getting close to a very bad place, but I shrugged off the feeling as it came. I wouldn't kill myself, that much I knew. I couldn't hurt Charlie or Renee like that, I just couldn't. I chuckled humorlessly; didn't mean I wouldn't cut, that's for sure.

When I decided it was an acceptable time to venture outside, I picked up my books and left my dim sanctuary in favor of my truck, the one place no one would find me... Even on the rare occasion someone decided to look.

Blood flowed from my arm, and I watched it expressionlessly. This was normal; not something I found much relief in anymore- just a habit, something to do. I was knelt over the front seat, patting the wound with a tissue in order to blot it. I didn't exactly want to, but class would be starting soon, and so far I'd been able to keep this to myself…something I intended to continue. I ran my good hand through my hair, taking a huge breath.

I didn't want to think about him, or them, or any of their names. _Alice_. The name inadvertently popped into my head, and I jerked back automatically; but there is no escaping your own mind. A fact I'd grown very close to in the past few months…too close for my liking. _I miss you._ I took another shuddering breath, trying to focus on anything that could distract me. By now the cut had stopped bleeding, much to my displeasure…there was something just- calming, about watching blood flow. It no longer grossed me out like it used to, but reminded me of something precious. Like I was doing something. Like I wasn't so completely and god forsakenly alone.

I didn't realize I was crying until I felt tears fall down from my eyes, but it was just an inconvenience, not much of a worry. I let them continue, as time somehow passed.

I hopped out of my truck in a hurry to get to class, sending flakes of rust flying in every which way when I slammed the door. I was going so fast that I almost didn't notice the beautiful creature sitting on the hood. _Almost._

I stared, treasuring every minute of his impeccable beauty that I was able to experience. I knew this was just some freaky hallucination, it'd happened before a few times…whenever I did something dangerous or 'reckless,' as he put it. _I don't think cutting myself is that reckless, Edward. Not when a vampire isn't around_. A sour expression crossed my face as I thought this, but I tried to ignore it, as he was fading.

As soon as his figure disappeared in all its bronze-haired glory, the hole in my chest seemed to rip back open with a scream. I gasped as the pain overtook me, sending me nearly to my knees. But I had to get going, I reminded myself. _Class_. Screw class. _For your grades_. I made all A's._ A normal human life._ My expression turned bitter. That, Edward had given me; he'd made sure of it.

**EPOV**

My cell phone was ringing of the hook, but I ignored it. Was it not possible for my family to give me at least a _little_ space? Surely they knew how hard this must be. Bella was the love of my existence, my one true mate. I'd read their paired minds before we left; none of them could imagine leaving the other. I reluctantly reached for the tiny silver phone, impatience the main sentiment in my action. I screened the number, an angry hiss leaving my lips as I saw my sisters' name pop up. I answered nonetheless.

"What is it, Alice?" I demanded. I hated talking to them since… then, and Alice was the worst to deal with. She would never be happy with my decision, she was always trying to give me a reason to go back. As if I needed more than I had on my own. Jesus.

"Just hear me out, Edward, please," she begged, and I sighed. I could never refuse pleading. Especially Bel- "She's not coping, Edward. It's nothing like you wanted it to be. She-"

"Stop reading into her future, then! You promised that you wouldn't intrude, Alice- I highly doubt foreseeing what she's going to be wearing each day is staying out of it," I was angry with her; sure I didn't think Bella would pick right back up to the point before we complicated everything in her life, but given time, she'd adjust. _She's only human,_ that wicked voice in my head reminded._ Human's memories fade._

"Edward, could you stop being an ass for _like one second!_ I'm perfectly aware of the terms of our agreement, and besides, I already told you it's not like I can exactly _control_ what I see! They just pop up, and Edward she's-" Alice paused then, and I unconsciously realized that I was holding my breath. She's what? What was she doing that was so important Alice would feel the need to disrupt me from my desolation? _Don't listen to her_, I told myself. It didn't matter what my Bella was doing that disturbed Alice; she would stop eventually, it was the way of her kind.

"Cu-" I hung up the phone before I could hear, instantly regretting it the second I did. 'cu-' what? I mentally ran down a list of words that began with those two letters, but decided on nothing. I would call her back. I would call Alice back and apologize and- _crack_.

Oh. I looked down at my hands to see that the sane part of me had smashed the phone into dust, preventing me from calling her back. A smile lit up my face as I surmised that I had more self-control than I thought. No, whatever Bella was doing would be fine. As long as she was safe it was okay.

The hideous, defensive monster within me seemed to wake up after months of hibernating at my last thought. What if…what if she wasn't safe? What if Alice was calling to warn me or-

I didn't get the chance to dwell on it, because before I realized what I was doing, I was sprinting at vampire speed back to Denali, where the majority of my family was staying. No, I wouldn't go back to Bella, I decided. _Not yet.._. Great, just what I needed; to be even _closer_ to where she was, to the proximity of her illustrious appeal. I would just go to Alice, hear the rest of what she had to say in person. No harm there, right?

I realized that a terrible part of me was nearly praying that she needed me, that there would be some form of danger to bring me back to her. Because I was absolutely desperate to get back to my angel, regardless of all the consequences that would ensue.

So much for improved self-control.


	2. Eclipse

**Thoughts? I'm listening, tell meeee **

**Song For This Chapter: ...the whole Eclipse soundtrack. Sorry. **

**R&R my lovelies ;)**

**BPOV**

The rest of the day had passed in an uneventful haze, teachers leaving me to my own as I avoided the eyes I could feel boring into my back. Lately it had gotten better; after the first few weeks the students of Forks High seemed to stop with all of the gossip and stares, but I figured it would come back now that I looked like a mess again. I was right.

The second I was out of there I forked it home, not even bothering to pick up the necessary books from my locker or put up the pretense that had kept me out of public scrutiny for so long. I was a wreck, I knew it, and I needed my vice. Or something… I prayed to God cutting would still work, wiping away absent tears as I did so. My fingers were drumming up a storm on the steering wheel, part of me just wanting a car to come out and hit me already. It wouldn't be hard; I was barely paying attention to the road. No car came.

I cursed myself as I slowly knelt onto my bed, making sure to keep the freshest cut well out of harms way. I wasn't usually this careless; I'd never given myself a gash deep enough to make walking this painful…until now. When I'd come home… I just needed it. And I thought it would help! It didn't even make a dent in the emotional pain I was feeling, let alone give me the relief I so desperately craved. Ugh. I was shaking my head as I leaned down to turn out the light, blasting God knows what music into my head as I fell into a nightmare-induced torture.

Before I drifted, I recalled that one night I surmised a list of about three things I was absolutely positive. In my crazy state of mind, I did it again.

First, Edward was gone. Second, there was a part of me - and I didn't know how dominant that part might be – that thirsted to see my own blood. And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably lost without them.

**EPOV**

I was close to panicking, and I knew that. Nearly five minutes away from the house, I paused to reconsider what I was doing. I hadn't seen my family in nearly two months; did I really want to break that distance just to check up on Bella? _Of course you do, what kind of question is that? _No, I had to be considerate about this. If I went back… then it would change everything. _Go back, _the voice in my head urged. I couldn't afford to listen to it today… with trudging reluctance I ran the rest of the way there, telling myself the whole time that it was just to check in and I'd leave as soon as she told me-

'_- herself, Edward,'_ Alice smirked at me. I'd recognize her mental voice from anywhere. What had she said? I sensed her growing impatience as I remained in my position, about to knock on the door. Of course she'd know I was here, she would have seen me as soon as I decided it myself. '_I__** was going to say**__, before you so rudely hung up on me… she's cutting herself, Edward. It's gotten out of hand. She can barely walk today," _her tone was solemn, giving me no doubt that what she was saying was true. So Bella could barely walk today. So she was cutting herself. So…. I was trying not to think about what she had just told me, I was vaguely aware of the door handle crumbling beneath my grip. I couldn't afford to think about it right now. I couldn't. I couldn't. Bella couldn't. She would never hurt herself like that, _intentionally..._ For the first time in nearly a hundred years, I felt sick to my stomach. Why was Alice _doing_ this to me? It was all lies. It had to be.

"And Edward," Alice called to me from the top window, opening it slightly so I could read her face as she spoke, "If you don't hurry back soon, she's going to kill herself." She gave me a minute to let this sink in. It didn't. "She's been trying to put it off, she really has. Doing lots of crazy shit, Edward. I've never seen her like this. Hell, I've never seen _anyone_ like this!" Alice hissed. "It's like she's God-freaking catatonic," she nearly laughed, though it was laced with more emotion than I wanted to think about right now.

I sensed Jasper climbing up the stairs to see what was going on with her, but just then I recognized the distanced look go over her face, eyes searching into a time that didn't yet exist…. tomorrow. I _tried_ to block it out, I really did. But she pulled me in, as she always did. Like an electric current that ran through us, Bella mesmerized me. She always would.

She was sitting on her bed, brown hair ruffled behind her, down so that a few stray strands barely skimmed her face. Her lips were plump and pink and seemed to physically call to mine, beautiful as always, but… there was something wrong with her eyes. They were blank, like she wasn't really looking at what was in front of her. The purple comforter was pulled up against her waist, covering up most of the rest of her from my view. After a moment of stillness, the light seemed to completely go out of her eyes, yet a small smile pulled at the corner of her lips. It ended.

"_No!" _Alice hissed, and I skimmed into her mind to see what was causing such a reaction, because she was positively panicked. What- she had seen this before. She had seen this before, Bella just sitting on her bed, a slight smile on her perfect face…where had she seen this? I was struggling to see, but she was blocking me, trying to keep me out. Why?

"You don't want to see it, Edward," she whispered. "It's tomorrow. She's going to kill herself tomorrow. I haven't seen how yet, but it was…she'd die. She's going to die if we don't get there in time," I unconsciously whipped my head around to my watch. We could be there in three hours. We could be there in-

"NO!" Alice screeched, as I did the same. For we both watched the vision as Bella stepped towards the cliff in nightclothes, a split decision. _Step away, Bella. Don't do this._ But she didn't listen to my useless pleading this time… She jumped.

Ten minutes. I had ten minutes to save her… and I wouldn't get there in time.

My world collapsed.


	3. Hang On

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**Song For This Chapter: (In order of play) Hang On - Plumb / Hey Jude - The Beatles / Happy - Leona Lewis**

**R&R my lovelies :)**

**BPOV**

It was too much. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't…I sat ramrod straight on my bed, clutching my hands to my chest with the comforter at my waist as I tried to shake off the nightmare. Only this time it wasn't going away. I was still here, Edward-less, my Mom in Florida, Charlie asleep…and all of a sudden it was just too much this time. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't deal, and I couldn't...damn it, _live!_ I couldn't live.

I was going to kill myself. I knew it the second that last thought entered my mind, and yet for some reason I wasn't quite ready to accept the fact, even as I picked up my car keys and crept silently down the stairs.

I wish that it wouldn't have come to this, honestly I did. I had never intentionally _planned_ for any of this to happen, so really I couldn't be held accountable for my actions. I was out of control; I couldn't control myself. My body had held free reign for the past few months, ever since that fateful day in the forest. And I let it…like it was saving me somehow, or tearing me apart…

Cutting had come instinctually, naturally- so why shouldn't suicide? Nevertheless, I was shaky as I climbed into my truck. I'd managed to sneak out without Charlie awaking, thanking God the whole time that we didn't have one of those alarms that beeped every time you opened a door.

This was starting to seem too real, and I was desperately clutching at the only grips to my imagination that I could muster. I needed to think this was nothing, convince myself it wouldn't matter in the end…otherwise I wouldn't be able to do this. And I _had_ to do this.

It was pouring; the black sky seemed to be open like a bucket, pouring all of its contents on the tiny people below. I opened the truck windows as I drove, feeling a little bit too manic for my likings… Hell, I was freaking hysterical. My chest heaved up and down too fast, my hands shaking so hard I couldn't believe they didn't fall off already. _You can do this._

I chanced a glance at the time- 3:20 A.M. _Perfect_. I'd be at La Push within a few minutes, not dark enough to scare the crap out of me, but not light enough for anyone to risk seeing what I was about to do- because I couldn't risk a rescue mission right now... Not when I didn't want to be found.

I took a deep breath as I forked up the speed, pushing my little old truck well past fifty, and the speed limit. I craved the speed right now, needed it as much as I needed the oxygen I was breathing. It put everything into motion, made me feel like I was going somewhere with a purpose. _You are,_ my mind whispered back. I knew it.

The cliffs came into view, and I clutched at my chest as I felt the pain beginning to overwhelm me already. I couldn't have that; I needed to at least make it a few more yards with the car before I went on foot. I couldn't afford to double up in pain now.

My phone started ringing. _I had a phone?_ Yes, yes I had bought a cell phone; Charlie insisted after that 'incident'. Why did I forget? This was going too fast too soon. I answered. Why did I answer? No idea. But I did.

**APOV**

_Pick up, pick up, pick up…_I knew she would, yet the possibilities still terrified me- _me_! Seeing the future didn't always guarantee it would come true. I frantically searched the future for the best delayer, the route that would save him the most time.

Edward had left the second the vision had entered my head, traveling faster than I'd ever seen any vampire, including Victoria…that awful female of our kind that had sided with James when he tracked Bella. And I was _positive_ Victoria possessed some kind of special ability involving escape… how the hell was Edward doing it?

I'd seen into the future- at the speed he was going he could be in Forks in under an hour. It was amazing, scary… incredible… I didn't understand it.

_Pick up…_My whole adopted family was gathered around the dining room table at Tanya's place, the trio of girls having left with their mates to give us utter isolation as we made the call.

Everyone was silent, even Emmett. Carlisle was holding Esme with one hand, the other covering his mouth in a fist, as if he was about to lose control. Why? _Pick up…_

The phone was on speaker; we needed everyone to get his or her say. Bella wouldn't kill herself without knowing what that would do to all of us. And meanwhile… meanwhile, Edward was racing the clock to prevent her. I'd seen this; no matter what we did or said, she would still go through with it. Right now, we were just stalling for time.

_Pick up the goddamn freaking phone, Bella! _I would speak first, it had been decided in the panicked first few seconds after the vision. I'd ran inside and screamed for my family, cried something like, _BELLA'S ABOUT TO KILL HERSELF, _and sped into the dining room as fast as my feet would take me. I'd actually broken a few things in my haste, but we could pay the Denali's back later. Nothing mattered except delaying Bella right now. Nothing else. Jasper squeezed my shoulder as the phone continued to blatantly ring, a whimper escaping my lips as the uninterrupted noise continued. _Pick up…_

"Hello?" I could nearly cry, right then and right there, and I think I would have if not for the whole 'vampire' thing. _Finally…_

"Bella? It's…Alice," I explained, "I- miss you. It's driving me crazy, not seeing you. Edward told us we shouldn't, but I had to talk to you. I saw that Charlie gave you a phone, and I had to call," I answered truthfully, trying to keep the desperation out of my voice. Deciding that ignorance was the best card to play, as it wouldn't inadvertently rush her into doing something stupid, I would keep it a simply friendly call.

"A…Alice?" She breathed, breaking my heart all over again hearing the pain laced into the word. I sensed Esme sink into a chair at the other side of the room, Bella's voice having set her off as well. Jasper griped beside me, the emotions starting to overwhelm him.

There was a pause on the other end; I could just see Bella closing her eyes, trying to fight off incoming tears. "Alice it's…not the best time right now," she told me. _Well duh. _"Can I- I mean, is there anything specific you need to speak with me about?" she caught herself, I realized she couldn't say 'can I talk to you later,' since… if she succeeded, there wouldn't be a later for the two of us.

"Yes!" I nearly screeched, "Bella, I, wanted to know…if you hate me so much that you wouldn't want me to visit," I stated. It was still true- I was curious as to the fact, yet my reasoning behind asking it wasn't exactly the same.

"Oh, well…" I felt her steel some resolve into her words before she thought it herself, "Yes, Alice. I hate you that much. Don't visit," she stated simply. Emmett's mouth dropped open at her words, thinking she was serious. Carlisle looked confused, then terrified. I didn't need to read his mind to know what he was thinking, I saw the truth; she was trying to prepare me. And keep me away. Apparently, Jasper saw it too.

"Bella? It's Jasper," he butted in, "We're really sorry, and…" A peculiar glint came into his topaz eyes," We got you something to make up for it. It should arrive at your house tomorrow," he said. I was confused… and then, I got it and beamed at him. Curiosity was a human's worst enemy, and it could keep Bella waiting for hours; more than enough time for Edward to get there. But then again…

"Um, I'm not really at home right now. But thanks, Jasper. Alice…I gotta go," she rushed hurriedly. _Curiosity killed the cat._

"Bella please think about this. Don't do anything that you might regret later," Carlisle pleaded, entering into the conversation. I could picture her head spinning, wondering how many _other_ vampires were listening on the other side of the phone.

Silence. "We know. Bella please _don't_ do this. There are places that can help you, places…it probably sounds like a lot of talk right now, but please. Don't do this. We can't lose you," he practically begged her. She said nothing.

"Bella," wait… was that _Rosalie's_ voice? "You don't know what your doing. Trust me, don't rush into this. Give it time. If you still want to kill yourself in a year, feel free to tear my family apart then. But don't you dare try anything right now. I swear…." Rose trailed off, leaving a billion possibilities for Bella to ponder on.

"Honey we never meant to cause you so much pain," Esme told her. "We're so sorry, we're so…" she closed her eyes, "-Sorry. Please don't do this to yourself," she finished. I heard Bella's breathing start to get a little more uneven on the line.

We all looked expectantly at Emmett, who seemed as shocked as any of us that he would be the one to have the last word. "Um…God Bella, this is Emmett. _You can't do this_. Like, seriously. Don't even try it. Plus it hurts. A lot. Trust me," he added. I almost rolled my eyes at him. Of course _Emmett_ would be the one to bring up the physical pain, trying to scare her out of it.

"Bella?" I questioned, concerned by the absence of noise on the other line. I heard ruffling, like she was picking up the phone again after having put it down briefly.

"Sorry," was all she said. And then nothing. There was no sound, no noise to counteract my should-be racing heartbeat, images of body bags and coffins popping up in my imagination against my own will, no visions of the future. Just nothing.

The line went dead, and none of us said anything, my family looking at me hopefully as my eyes took on the distanced looks, the future finally coming into view…

**EPOV**

Alice was keeping her occupied. I knew she would be, and Bella wouldn't have jumped yet. I was running faster than I thought humanly…well, vampirely possible. I sensed Alice's shock as I left, confirming my guess that I could be at Forks in about an hour. _Not soon enough_.

I pushed myself faster than I ever had. Faster than when I ran out of school on the first day I met her, when her scent burned my throat so deliciously. Faster than when I knew James had her at the ballet studio, could be killing her as I moved. Faster than when I left her trembling form in the verdant forest, convinced I no longer loved her…_Not soon enough._

I _wouldn't_ let this happen to her. I viewed it not as a future outcome, but as a treacherous thought that had absolutely no hope of coming true. I couldn't afford to think of it in any other light, or I would break down when I so desperately needed to reach my love. _Not soon enough…_

**BPOV**

What the hell was Alice playing at? Calling me to talk about a _visit _when she must have seen what I was about to do… hadn't she?

The conversation progressed, and it honestly seemed like she was completely oblivious. I played along, trying not to lie, but knowing I needed to get rid of her. For all I knew she could have the FBI tracking me as we spoke, a fact I definitely didn't rule out when I heard Carlisle's words.

So they knew. So they knew what I was about to do, that I was planning on killing myself, and were trying to stop it. I nearly chickened out when I heard Esme's desperate cries on the other line, but I had to steel myself. I couldn't fall for their trap, like every other human… I knew. I _knew_ they didn't love me. None of them did, they probably just felt guilty thinking they we're the reason that was going to make me kill myself. They were right.

"Sorry," I muttered into the phone, closing it and throwing it into the ground, preventing anyone from reaching me ever again.

_This is it. _I drove my truck to the edge of the road, jumping out to hurry my way to the edge of the cliff. Jacob had told me about this one. It was called 'Píćha Kwaiya,' in Quileute, meaning _Red Water_…when I'd asked him what kind of name that was for a cliff, he'd simply laughed at me and replied, '_Well it doesn't exactly refer to the cliff, Bella'. _That was all the confirmation I needed for its suicide capabilities. I felt bad, a little, since Jacob would probably feel he was responsible for telling me about it in the first place. But _he_ would live. I wouldn't.

I smiled as I got closer, my heart rate starting to pick up again. Alice had kept me preoccupied for nearly an hour, leaving a stark sunrise spreading across the sky. It was a red sunrise. Beautiful.

I laughed then, at everything I had become, at everything they had made me. I wasn't quite sure when my laughing turned to hysterical sobbing; yet it did. I knelt down on my knees then and, unabashedly, cried my eyes out. But then I was ready. _I'm ready_. As I took my first step forward, I figured it best I not see what was coming. I turned around, shutting my eyes for a split second. _This is it_…

I let out another small laugh, taking another step back. Everything was normal. The air was still, the trees in front of me unruffled, the only sound my breathing.

And then it wasn't.

He appeared like mist, and oh, I knew he would come. _Took you long enough,_ I smiled. Yet my immaculate God hadn't been the source of the noise I'd sensed, and seconds later another perfect being appeared directly on the other side of Edward. Another Edward.

What…No. Well _fuck_ no…. I shook my head at both of them, anger coursing through my veins like a poison, tearing away all meaning. He would _not_ ruin my suicide. He would not….

I ran.

I sprinted right towards the cliff, knowing full well that he would catch me. He did. I fought in his grip, though I knew it would be of no use. _This can't be happening… it can't be…_I was sobbing? He couldn't hear me cry! He couldn't.

"LET THE FUCK GO OF ME!" I screeched, finally breaking out his grip, though I could see why he let me go. In my distracted state he had managed to drag me a safe distance back, no doubt at vampire speed. I was shaking, trembling really, this couldn't be real. He couldn't be. It wasn't supposed to happen like this. It wouldn't.

I made a break for it again, his iron grip locking around my waist the second he sensed my direction.

"No, my Bella," his velvet voice whispered, barely a sound at all. Yet I knew he knew I heard it, and I knew he knew I wasn't going to give in. Not yet.

I didn't know what to do. There was no place I could go that he wouldn't find me, nowhere I could run where he couldn't catch me. _Please, please God let me die. I swear I'll never commit another sin again, just let me be dead. Let me die._

"It's not going to happen," he murmured to me, locking eyes with me as he gently put me back down. I gave him the best hate filled glance I could, needing this to be done. I was vaguely aware that he was trembling as well; I guess I'd hurt him with my decision. Well great.

"I want to die," I told him simply. "I want to be dead. It's my choice if I kill myself, and you don't get any say in it," he winced at every single one of my words, as if I was torturing him.

"Bella…" he pleaded, pain evident in every syllable he spoke. "I'm so, so, sorry. I won't ever get to say that enough. But don't do something so stupid because of me. I'm not worth it," he promised. Didn't he see that he was?

"Well sure you won't get to, I'm not going to live forever. I want to be dead," I repeated for him, in case he'd missed out on that little fact. My eyes were blank, I wasn't even seeing him. I wasn't seeing anything except that cliff 10 feet away, and red water. I unconsciously took another step forward, but he blocked me once again.

I didn't understand. My brain had only one thing on its mind, one thing it could comprehend; kill Bella.

Kill myself. Right, I had to kill myself. I had to find a way around him, maybe I was getting a seizure with all this shaking, and then I would die. That could work too.

No seizures came. We stared at each like that for another minute, a human facing off a vampire. My breathing steadily returned to normal, the shivers steadying to mere pricks. A slight smile met my face; I had a plan. If _he_ wanted to play games, I would play with him.

I moved forward, wrapping my arms around his waist. "Edward," I whispered, lips at his ear, trailing my fingers down his side, he still hadn't relaxed…"I missed you," I continued, still he didn't release his rigid stance. He knew what I was doing, of course he did. I took a step back, in the direction closest to the cliffs. "Let me do this," I pleaded, trailing butterfly kisses up his flawless jaw. My eyes were still empty; I couldn't look at him, I would lose it.

I took another step back, and he remained where he was standing. "It won't be so hard for you," I promised, "You never loved me anyway," I smiled.

"Be-"

"Shh," I shushed him, tracing his face with my forefinger as I took another step back. We were making dangerous ground quite fast, I realized. Good.

"You cant…I won't _let_ you! You can't do this to yourself any longer, Bella," I knew exactly what he was talking about, and saved him the trouble and shed my jacket, my dark blue tank top revealing all of my scars.

"This is what I _do_, Edward. This is who I _am_," I assured him. My smile was fading fast as I took in his tortured form, trying my hardest not to register his presence. _Imagination, Bella._ Well my imagination had never- _Stop._

"Don't try it," he warned me. We were now nearly back to my previous spot, and I seized my opportunity. I kissed him.

My lips met his in a burst of fiery passion, crushing his rock solid form to mine as I did. His hands unconsciously wound through my hair, my arms trailing up his sides. He was completely wrapped up in the kiss, letting all of his emotions be known through his actions. It would almost be too easy, I pouted. But it was time.

"I loved you," I promised. And then I let go of my hold on gravity, falling backwards towards my death.

I would miss him, so many people…but death was the easy way out, I'd grown to realize. Living was so much harder, and I was too weak.

After all, I was only human…

**DUN DUN. (sorry, i couldn't control myself) **

**REVIEW! **


	4. Chasing Cars

**So I'm sort of really proud of this chapter... it was hard to get into everyone's head tonight, but I stayed up to do it for you! Had to do some research too, felt all official haha. Sorry the first part is repetative, but I felt it was important for you guys to understand what happened to Edward during the last scene. Hope you enjoy, and keep the reviews coming! They're my inspiration...well, those and Bella & Edward :) **

**By the way...**

**Disclaimer: "Roses are red, violets are blue. I don't own, so you can't sue." ... do you love that as much as I do? This is long. Stopping now...**

**Song For This Chapter: Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol**

**R&R my lovelies! **

**EPOV**

I made it; I had made it. I could still be the prince in the fairy tale, could still save my love. I braced myself for her scent, knowing it would be so much worse after all these months, but thinking only of getting her away from the beach; she couldn't afford to be anywhere near there right now. _I_ couldn't afford it.

I was expecting her scent to hit me strong, and it did. What I was not expecting was the complete ignorance my brain played to it. I felt absolutely _no_ desire for her blood, none whatsoever. It was gone. And she was about to jump.

I sprinted the last few feet, breaking through the trees to see her smiling at something. She looked peaceful, I didn't understand why. In the vision she had been gaunt and tired looking, yet still she managed to be the most beautiful thing in the world…and now, now she looked- _ready._

Hell no. I snapped a tree branch, granting me her attention. She looked confused for a moment, and then livid. Worse, she did exactly what I was hoping to avoid.

She ran.

I ran after her, locking her waist in my hold as I dragged her back. The physical contact was like a jolt to the both of us; after being apart for so many months…I had to control myself, I couldn't lose focus now. She cursed at me, struggling to break free, and it hurt so much to see her like this…. I couldn't even think about it. I couldn't even.

My Bella was crying. The most flawless being to walk the earth, more angel than anything else, Isabella Marie Swan, was crying…because I wouldn't let her kill herself. There was something so twisted in that that it could almost have been funny, had it not been so exceptionally perverse.

I tried to calm her, and she flat out told me of her death wish. That hurt more than anything I thought imaginable, more than the change.

I couldn't put all of my forgiveness into words, but I still attempted it. I so desperately wanted to hold her, to pull her hair back and just _talk_ to her. To kiss her until the sun came up, to lay with her alone, just…be with her. Just her. Us, together. I _needed _that.

She told me something, but I could only focus on her presence, her actually _really_ being right in front of me…but I _definitely_ noticed when she took a step forward, and I blocked her attempt yet again.

She finally looked at me, and I held her gaze. I sensed her breathing settle back down, and I really didn't like the glint that came into her previously vacant eyes. She wouldn't give up that easily; she was too stubborn.

"Edward," she murmured, arms wrapping around my waist, "I missed you…"

She smiled at me, making my heart spin. And then she was walking forward,

Trailing her fingers up my side, it took all I had not to break down then and there. I closed my eyes, _why would she do this to me?_ I would lose it; I couldn't refuse her when she was like this…she knew that. No. _Don't even think about it, Bella._ "Let me do this," she pleaded, bringing her lips to my jaw line. _This is torture._

I tried to shake my head no, but she cut me off. "It won't be so hard for you, you never loved me anyway," she explained. _What? _Didn't she know she was the only reason for my existence, the only redemption I might have? I started to speak, but she cut me off, taking another step backwards. _What…_how had we gotten this close to the cliff?

_No!_ I pleaded with her, telling her she couldn't do this. Not with me here. She seemed to think I was simply talking about the cutting, for she dropped her jacket, revealing to me all of her dirty work, and dear God, she was wearing dark blue…

"This is what I _do,_ Edward. This is who I _am,_" she held. But I was distracted…whenever she wore that color… Reality caught up to me in a sharp burst, and I couldn't hide my pain.

"Don't try it," I advised. I thought she wouldn't. I thought that really, honest to goodness she would just come back with me now. Instead, she kissed me.

And I was screwed. Finally. My fingers tangled in her hair, surrendering fully to the force of her lips. Her arms were all over me, electric bliss, and I had to remind myself yet again not to crush her. Because right then…after nearly half a torturous year without kissing her…I was losing it. My lips moved to her neck to give her room to breathe, briefly letting go of her hair. Jesus, I loved her. I would spend eternity showing her that, trying to make it up to her. I would do whatever it took to-

"I loved you," she promised me, taking an immense step backwards, away from me. Why was she…?

Horror took hold of my face as I comprehended where we were. Where she was. And I had no hold on her; I'd surrendered her hair, and now she was at the edge of the cliff, and she could jump if she wanted to.

She did.

**BPOV**

I was in ecstasy. I was in pure, rain and wind induced ecstasy. I knew I'd made it, _finally. _He wouldn't be able to get to me, and even if he did, I'd be dead anyway. I would no longer be living. I'd be a corpse, cold and blue and soon-to-be in a coffin. Because no matter how much I had tried to ignore it, nothing was good enough. Me, life, the world- none of us could meet the requirements needed to survive. I hadn't been good enough for Edward. I would _never_ be good enough for Edward. Hell, I would never be good enough for _anyone_. So this was the only way. I had no regrets.

I thought pictures of my life or something should flash behind my eyes, but they didn't. It probably only lasted a few seconds, but the time between my jump and my crash seemed immeasurable. I could hear the wind rushing up beneath me, hear the waves down below…it all seemed so peaceful here, in this place between life and death. So nice.

Since no visions came, I decided to bring up my own memories. My life… what would my life consist of, in simple memories? I thought childishly of the articles my mom loved to read in People magazine, where celebrities would choose a few choice pictures to show the world…well, I didn't want to show anybody anything. But that didn't mean I couldn't do it alone, my own personal slideshow.

Well, first there would be Renée and Charlie. I had no actual memories of them still together, and if I thought of some they seemed to be imagined, or else tainted by stories and time. I'd been so young, just a baby… Still… there had been a time, I was aware, when I had been with them together. When they still loved each other…I sighed internally. That had been so long ago, but mom seemed pretty happy now. Charlie… well, Charlie would always be Charlie. Too stubborn to admit defeat and try again. Like me.

Next would come my early childhood years, visits to Forks in the summer, and settling with my mom after being shunned by other kids my age. Those had been the dark years. Well, the original dark years. I guess they just got darker. Laugh.

And then…being a teenager. Laughing with my mom after each of her great ideas ended in a bust, excelling in school, reading, reading all the time…reading everything. I ate up books like food, often actually _forgetting_ to eat during that time. I'd gotten real skinny, and Renée had worried. I might have had some kind of eating disorder throughout then, but I never fully decided on the fact after the event. _Hmm…maybe so. Maybe that's why cutting came so easily to me, I'd already destroyed my body once…_Yes, that must have been it. I wonder when I'd shed it? It didn't matter anyway, but I was still curious…I wonder if Jasper and Alice really _did_ send me something, or if he was lying. _He better not have been lying, I deserved that gift._ (But I really hoped he was lying. I hated gifts)

After my time with Renée came Phil, who only formed half a picture; he'd been in my life such a short time, I really couldn't count him as a whole section. Mom and Phil had a quick relationship, and then they were married. Just like that. Don't get me wrong, Phil was nice and all, but I would never have my mom all to myself anymore. I think that was around the time I realized I needed to move in with Charlie, give them their space.

Charlie's….could really only be broken up into three parts. First, there was the boring days, the ones spent lying in the backyard reading and waiting for that beautiful bronze-haired boy to return, the one who had so quickly become the object of my obsession.

Next it was those beautiful days after, the best of my life… the ones I spent with _him_. Our relationship, or our supposed relationship; I didn't really know what to think now. He'd told me he loved me…and then he told me he didn't want me, but would always love me…_in a way._ My mind was revolted at that, the only shred of self-confidence I had left screaming at him for even thinking it. But honestly, I couldn't agree more. I was worthless, pathetic, clumsy, plain, boring, shy, human…and soon to be dead. A little trickle of fear finally made its appearance at that thought, but I was still preoccupied with my reminiscing to care.

And last…and least. Least good, least wanted, least loved. I'd always been sort of moved around in my life, stumbling every step I took, turning to the current to pull me. And the current fucking hated me during my last few months; that I could be sure of.

_Edward leaves. _I couldn't help the slight laugh that escaped me, though it was filled more with irony than actual humor. Of course he would leave, I'd always known that deep down. _So why had it hurt me so much?_ Maybe I was made to be destroyed, as all destructible things seemed to be. Useless, defenseless… that's all I was, when it came to it; all my life added up to, me. No good. Not good enough.

_Pain._ Sweet, sweet pain. The surface seemed to rush up at me, coming faster than it should have considering the speed I'd fallen. I felt my limbs being thrown in all directions, a crushing sound at the place my arm would be…and water. The ocean engulfed me, swallowing me up as if I was a fish that belonged there all along. _Maybe I did._

I loved it. I was in my own little world, dreaming with my angel beside me, enjoying each feeling as it hit. I didn't get long to dream- the relief was soon interrupted by an _uncomfortable_ pain in my chest. The feeling grew stronger…I had the impulse to take a breath. Wait, what? I still needed to breathe….but wasn't I supposed to be dead? A shiver ran through me.

It was supposed to have been an instant death, on impact. I was supposed to feel a strike of pain, and be done with it. Dead. Why wasn't I…

A sickening shock ran through me, my eyes flying open just in time to see my body fly into a boulder. I was suddenly aware of a screaming pain in my arm, my legs twisting in the wrong direction…_red water_. I'd read Jacob's words wrong, told myself what I wanted to hear. No, this wouldn't be instant…the jump didn't kill you, but the rocks would. I would have to suffer.

And I was. Every part of me seemed to be dying, each limb individually, all at once. I had to breathe. My mouth took a breath against my better judgment, filling my nose with salt water as my head burned. No relief. I was becoming desperate, my legs thrashed along wildly, trying to fight the current pulling me under, a blackness slowly slipping over my vision…my heart was hammering franticly, mind searching hopelessly for an escape, and this would be it.

The water was red. Edward was not here. I was dying.

I guess Emmett had been right when he said it hurt, for underwater I was screaming my lungs out, the last precious bubbles of air leaving my lips. I couldn't help it, this had to be worse than anything I'd ever experienced, nearly as bad as the venom…

The blackness was creeping closer, the fight leaving me. My arms and legs stopped flailing, and I sunk down to meet my death with good grace. The last thing I noticed before I blacked out was my beautiful love drowning next to me, perfect in all his glory, and a hand reaching down from the surface.

**APOV**

He made it. He was there, and she hadn't jumped. _Safe_. The weight of my relief would have made me fall over if I wasn't already sitting down, so instead I simply leaned my head into my loves neck, whispering, "He made it," to my waiting family.

The elation was incredible; I couldn't believe he'd actually gotten to her. Looking up, I saw my parents hug each other, Emmett trying to comfort a rather hysterical Rosalie, and Jasper's face pull into a slight smile. We all had our ways of dealing, and it seemed this would take some times for all of us to come to terms with…

"No," I gasped, a vision hitting me across the face as I watched it helplessly play out. I was no longer seeing the peach dining room in front of me, occupied by my jubilant family. It was the cliff, and Bella was luring Edward farther and farther away from the ground. _Don't fall for it, Edward…_Another line of kisses, another step back…

"Don't do this, Bella," I pleaded to the vision. A smile. A kiss.

"GRAB HER!" I screeched, my hand flying to my mouth as I watched her fall backwards. My world crumbled, suddenly having revolved only around a single brown-haired girl, shy and beautiful, lovely and complex; my best friend who's death I had just witnessed.

"No, no, she didn't… Edward…" I was stuck in the vision, not ready to leave it yet. I was immobilized, vaguely hearing voices shouting at me, but I wasn't anywhere close to them right now. Edward had been there, it would be okay. She was _safe. And I'd lied._

The moment seemed to last forever, replaying again and again, Bella falling each time. "She's dead." I stated, finally coming out of the torment. My voice was flat, my tone emotionless. I still couldn't see anything. "He's about to let her drop. She'll fall," I added. "She's dead."

No one said anything. We were frozen, unmoving statues. The revelation was too much to handle. We would sit here for eternity, none of us willing to break free. And then…slowly, Carlisle seemed to thaw, an anguished look consuming his whole figure.

"Give me the phone, Alice," he ordered. I obliged, still frozen. He dialed a number, someone answered. Someone was sobbing. Someone said something, but I didn't hear. Someone was speaking. Someone was dying. Someone was about to be dead. Someone's world was crumbling. Someone was being born. Someone was being murdered. Someone was getting married. Someone was being thrashed around by an uncaring current, left to die. Someone was finding out they were pregnant. Someone's life was ending. Someone was graduating. Someone was drunk. Someone was in jail, screaming to be released. Someone was speaking. Someone was killing someone else. Someone was speaking. Someone was cutting herself. Someone was speaking. Someone was speaking. Someone was dying. Someone was speaking. Someone was killing herself. Someone was jumping off a cliff. Someone was speaking. Someone was on a plane that would crash. Someone was speaking. Someone was screaming. Someone was speaking. Someone was crying.

Carlisle was saying something.

Someone was dying.

Carlisle was speaking, saying something that would be impossible to miss. Every letter seemed to be sounded out, each syllable it's own world, the phrase a universe, a galaxy of life. He locked eyes with Rosalie as he gave the command, no indecision evident on his perfect face…because he didn't leave it as an option to be considered, something to mull about. He ordered it.

"Change her,"


	5. Where I stood

**Some people get 600 reviews and say 'thank you' once. Some people get 17 and close their eyes smiling because a review said it was really well writen. Can you guess who I am? Thank you, you guys. Sorry for the wait. Here's another one, just for you :)**

**Song For This Chapter: (In order of play) Where I stood - Missy Higgins / Love The Way You Lie - Eminem ft. Rihanna / Critical - The Jonas Brothers (JUST DON'T SAY IT haha)**

**R&R my loveliesss :)**

**BPOV**

It hurt. Why did it hurt? Wasn't death supposed to be peaceful, painless, picture-perfect? What was this? Why was I in so much pain if I was dead? Why was it hurting even more? Why was it…_burning._

A physical shock seemed to rock through my body. He wouldn't…I mean, he would never…I realized with sheer horror the answer to my question. If he was desperate enough, felt guilty enough…

He would. The biting pain that nearly pulled me under yet again, followed quickly by an unnatural pain in my left wrist, then the right, then my neck…proved to me what couldn't be true.

He did.

I twitched my wrist away from the now-monster who must be holding me, for I no longer felt the weightlessness of the water, no longer felt the ease of oncoming death. He was going to change me. _He can't…_

I could no longer hear anything, I couldn't open my eyes… my whole body felt numb, except for this terrible, screaming burn…this fire…

My eyes flew open in a flash, locking with the most beautiful creature I'd seen in my existence. My lab partner. My friend. My savior. My ex-friend. My vampire. My boyfriend. My ex-boyfriend. My Edward...

"Don't," I mouthed, before succumbing to the blackness once and for all.

**EPOV**

I'd fallen for it. I'd missed her so much, _needed_ her so much…that I'd let her do this. I was a monster. I shouldn't be allowed to exist. I _shouldn't_ exist. Volturi. Volturi. Volturi. I thought it to myself like a mantra, forcing myself into the water to retrieve her. Why hadn't I jumped after her? I wouldn't have been able to save her, my body would crush her on impact...but she could have died in my arms... This wasn't physically, _humanly_ possible. There was no universe I wanted to be in, where someone as perfect as Isabella Swan, could be dead. _Volturi..._

By the time I got to her, her form was limp. Her arm was twisted the wrong way, multiple gashes caressing her frigid body. Blood was everywhere. Her eyes were closed.

I wasn't thinking, wasn't breathing, wasn't seeing…I was frozen; no emotions could penetrate my icy form. I was finally dead, inside and out.

"Edward," Carlisle's voice on the phone. The phone had been answered? I answered the phone? I had a phone? I-

"Listen to me," he ordered. I didn't know how to listen. I didn't know how to do anything except kill. I was a killer. I killed her. I killed her. I killed her. I killed her. I killed her. I killed her. I killed her. I killed her. I killed her. I killed her. I killed her.

"Change her,"

**RPOV**

"Change her," Carlisle stated. With those two words, the trance broke on me. I could speak. I could scream.

"_You fucking better not change her!"_ I screeched, ignoring Carlisle's words and rank. He was the leader, the oldest, the…_father_. But not when it came to this. He didn't know what he was fucking talking about when it came to this.

"Rosalie we have no choice!" He yelled at me, and it seemed as if the great Carlisle Cullen was about to lose his perfect self control.

"There is always," I growled, "A choice. But you wouldn't know much about that, would you? You never gave any of us a choice! Bella wanted to _kill herself! So did Esme! _You might be too selfish to lose her, but _I'm not!_ She wanted to fucking die! Let her!"

"_You did not just say let my best friend die_!" Alice screamed at me, coming out of it as well. "We're _changing_ Bella, Rosalie! _Edward change her_!" she seconded.

"We can't rush into this," someone said…_Emmett? _"It doesn't usually end well when we do that, let's…think about it," he stated, like that was the strangest thing he'd ever considered doing…it probably was.

"We don't have time to think about it!" Alice rushed, "Bella's _dying._ We won't have a second chance at this, she's _human!_" She emphasized.

"You think we don't know that? Death's what she wanted, it's not so wrong to let her have it!" I yelled back at them all, overcome with the pouring emotions.

"Rosalie," Alice laughed, "Just because your perfect little life ended badly doesn't mean you get to choose for everybody else, you hated Bella!"

I ignored the jab, I could kill her later. "But I'm choosing _right!_ She only liked you because you gave her no fucking _choice_ damn pixie," I spat. Alice looked ready to bite something… or someone. She lunged at me, but Emmett blocked her before she could even get across the table.

Everyone started screaming at once after my comment, all of us yelling over each other to be heard. The only one who'd remained silent was Esme, but we weren't paying much attention to her. At least I thought we weren't. _I _wasn't.

"No," Alice snarled suddenly, glaring directly at her. "Don't even think about it," she continued. Esme seemed to finally look up at us, then hung her head as Alice's words sunk in. What… _Oh my god, the cliff…_no one said anything for a moment, and the silence felt eerily still. Had she really just thought about doing what I thought she thought about doing?

"Edward?" Carlisle asked, cautiously testing the waters. No one was responding on the other line. He better not have-

"I couldn't lose her," he stated…son of a bitch. I made a grab for the phone, visualizing the number I would call before it was even in my hand. Our family knew everything about everyone we lived by. We memorized numbers, addresses, names…and why shouldn't we, if all it took was a quick glance? I was almost thankful for my vampire abilities in that moment. Almost.

I shut the phone closed, ending the conversation with Edward, and dialed a new number far away from Alice, sure enough hearing her gasp a second later and start to come at me as the vision hit. Emmett blocked her once again, but she looked absolutely possessed with rage. _Good._

"What the hell, Rose!" Emmett demanded, holding Alice back if just barely.

"Wolves," I smirked, waiting for them to answer. I wasn't too sure about this, but I was betting everything on the chance that the line hadn't yet died out.

A gravelly male voice picked up, sounding old and wise, tempting me to the extreme to roll my eyes. I resisted. "The treaties about to be broken," I sang at him, not waiting for a response. "Find him," I hung up, smirking. If _they _still existed, they would have no problem finding out exactly where my brother was. I couldn't let him do this, not to her, not when she was still _living…_

"They're coming," I told my statue-like family, as if they hadn't just heard the whole conversation for themselves.

"No…" Alice started, a confused look crossing her features, pissing me off. Yes, _they were coming_…I could tell from the man's sharp intake of breath that he understood…_they would come_. Alice continued to shake her head, but stopped abruptly, looking horrified. "I can't _see_ anything! Not one vision, it's _blank_! This isn't…" She gasped slightly, realization evident on her face. "I think…Carlisle…I think they're already there," she said. Wait, _what_?

**JPOV**

It couldn't be true. Whatever I was smelling, it couldn't be what I thought it was. Because I swear…it smelled a lot like _him_…and blood. And there was too much of it.

I ran faster as the scent grew stronger, Sam right on my tail (no pun intended.) My feet dug into the dirt as I changed back, still leaving imprints even though I was now in human form. I threw on shorts as I ran, the necessity of clothing seeming less and less important as whoever was there continued to bleed.

There was no mistaking it this time; there was definitely a vampire out there. And my God that smelled an awful lot like Bella…but it couldn't be. It would still be the middle of the night for her; she was safe in bed at Charlie's. The redheaded chick was far out of the Forks boundary line, we had just chased her half way to the border. Damn it, Bella…if she…

I knew there was a possibility of this. I knew that one day, I might not be enough, and she would become depressed again. I knew that she had considered this the first time around, and Charlie had unconsciously talked her out of it. I also knew that Charlie might not know that he needed to talk her out of anything the second time. I ran faster.

It was Bella. The scent was overpowering, blood everywhere. I was still a good 500 feet away, but I would be at her side in a matter of seconds. I was praying to God that there was someone else with her bleeding that I just couldn't smell, because whoever it was was losing way too much blood, way too fast. They were probably dead.

A heartbeat. One heartbeat. My suspicions were confirmed as I sprinted out of the trees, coming face to face with the bloodsucker I most wanted to kill. _Edward. _My vision was diverted, however, by a limp form writhing behind _him_, it, whatever you called the leeches. _Bella…_

There were no words for this. Venom. I sure as hell smelled vampire venom running through her veins, mixed with the faint pulse her heart was creating.

"WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO HER?" I screeched, for now that I was closer, kneeling by her side, I could see four very visible bite marks across her limp form. He bit her, and she was still alive- her pulse proved that. For the first time ever in her presence, I couldn't control myself.

My form quivered, I clutched my knuckles tightly to try to shake off the shimmer. I couldn't phase when the situation was so desperate, but it seemed like I was going to no matter what I wanted.

Sam ran up behind me right before I changed, pushing me back away from her. He looked furious…but he was in control. I wasn't.

I watched with no emotion as he confronted the bloodsucker, pointing to Bella a few times. I took an unconscious step forward, but Sam ordered me back. I couldn't understand anything, my brain was immobilized…because my Bella was lying motionless not 20 feet away from me, heart beating…and he bit her.

"Suck it out," I stated, not really sure of the meaning of my words. Two pairs of eyes flashed towards me, but I couldn't tell you what I had just said for my life. My brain was still disabled. "She said…you did that…the first time. She's alive, call for help. There's… this thing called a hospital. You take dead people there. And hurt people. But…she's _not dead yet!_" I came back to my head in a startling burst, lunging forward to grab him, ignoring Sam's block. "Do it!" I screamed, not willing to let her die. Either way, she would be dead without help. I wouldn't let her die. I would protect her. I would _always_ protect her. I'd promised.

The leech looked helpless, he still hadn't said a word. He looked down at her helpless form, still bleeding and mangled, and then back at me. "She'll live?" He questioned, as if it were the strangest thing to consider. I laughed harshly, control still not having returned to me. I was surprised I wasn't a wolf yet.

"She's _injured_, parasite. You get her _help_, you don't kill her too!" I laughed. He looked unsure for another minute, and then nodded at me.

"I couldn't…"

"I don't care. Suck it out, we're getting help," I told him. I turned towards Sam for instruction, not wanting to watch this. She couldn't be…

"Call the hospital. Get an ambulance out here, she doesn't have much time left," I nodded, but didn't move. Sam sighed, muttering something under his breath before he sprinted back into the forest to do it himself. I couldn't leave her, and I wasn't in wolf form. He had no power over me right now. _Bella…_

I put my head in my hands, still shaking. And then I phased.

**BPOV**

Something was waking me up _again_. I sighed internally. How many times could a person die in one day? It seemed unfair for me to have to deal with it so many times, excessive really. There it was again, a sharp pinch…ouch. I was slowly becoming aware of a _lot_ of pain. I couldn't find a body to possess it to, nothing for me to control or move. I was powerless, lost in the burning that was engulfing my body. I wanted the blackness back, anything except for _this_. This was torture, this was…I couldn't think of a bad enough word. _Hell._

I gasped. Had I really been bad enough to earn entrance to _Hell_? I knew that to some religions suicide was a sin, but…more pain. I could feel a body now, feel _my_ body. And it freaking hurt. So did that mean I wasn't dead yet? Was I still dying? Was…_venom_. My memory wasn't working; I should have remembered that a long time ago. Edward bit me… so this is what the change felt like. This is what I would have to go through the next three days. And it was only getting worse.

I couldn't focus on anything except for the searing overtaking my body, my erratic heartbeat, and more pain. So I shouldn't have noticed when an extremely cold hand took my wrist, when teeth bit back into me, when even more blood was leaving my body…yet I did. I recognized the feeling, could spot it in my sleep.

So he was sucking the venom back out after torturing me. Maybe he thought some doctor could still save me, I was probably still going to live.

And I was going to kill him for this.

**EPOV**

The wolves were here, I still couldn't comprehend it. Nothing except for the fact that Bella still had a heartbeat would register in my mind. There were sirens coming from everywhere, the mutts had done their job. She should live.

I didn't know whether to stay or to run when vehicles began to appear at the edge of the road, voices hurrying over to me both mental and physical. We had run back to the main road to wait, and that wait had been one of the most agonizing of my life. Now people were hurrying forth, people talking into radios, police cars lining up the street. So much for one girl, yet everything she deserved. I wondered what that boy had told them when he called; the entire emergency response force seemed to be lining up.

I recognized the ambulance as soon as it appeared, and ignoring every vampire law in existence, I used my full speed to rush over to it. Several humans were left questioning what they'd just seen, but none of them would think anything more of it in their haste. I still couldn't care less.

The doors opened, a blonde figure and an older male rushing out. They took her from my arms in a heartbeat, and I didn't object. I backed away from the car as it sped off, two police escorts accompanying. I wondered if Charlie was one of them. I hoped not, that would be too cruel.

The panic seemed to die out as car after car disappeared, leaving me alone with the one wolf. Neither of us said anything, neither of us made any move to leave. It was like we were waiting for something, like we weren't allowed to move.

Two phones rang, and the boy answered his while I reached for mine. His voice was unsteady, no thoughts in his mind. It was strange, I realized, that his mental voice was silent. I'd heard him approach; I knew he wasn't a mental mute like Bella. But now…nothing.

"How…is she…?" His voice quivered. I didn't say anything into the phone, waiting for Alice to speak first.

"She'll live," the words came from both devices, and we both dropped the phones to the ground as the words hit. Bella would live.

Finally, finally a thought formed in his mind. When he voiced it out loud, he didn't add the '_I really want to kill you' _at the end. Funny.

"She's going to fucking hate us," he stated. I nodded.


	6. Critical

**A/N: **Little story first: so I've been avoiding this girl for a year now, and guess who ran into her yesterday with my grandparents...yeah, I'm cool. Anyway, so if this chapter is angst-ridden and flashbacky, this is why. Sorrryyyyy. Now, so guys...three reviews. Thank you, now do better! haha justtt kidding... kind of. I'm tired but I wrote this, so if you're reading you better review :) See if you can find a little imprint pun… bahaha I love Edward. ENJOY!

**Song For This Chapter: None! Couldn't decide, weird right?**

**BPOV**

The first thing I was aware of when I stumbled back from the oblivion of unconsciousness was the overly sterile smell engulfing the place where I must be. Strange…it almost smelled…

Who named their kid Ke$ha anyway? That was also strange. Maybe she just chose it herself, she _was_ a little bit weird, all that glitter and stuff… I didn't usually listen to most of the music on top charts, but Jessica always blared…

I wondered if Mike would ever get a girlfriend. I hoped so, he was nice. But I wasn't going to be his girlfriend…

My thoughts couldn't stay with me for too long, I realized as I felt something sweep through my veins yet again. _Wasn't I done with this?_

I groaned as something bright began to come into focus behind my…hmm, were those my eyes? It grew brighter, and I flinched away from the unwelcome light- just as someone sighed. Where the hell was I?

My interest piqued, I tentatively searched for control of my _eyes _as I slowly opened one, then the other. This wasn't right.

Because as my surroundings came into focus- and my head began to grow clearer, I could have sworn I was in a hospital room, two torn-up looking hot guys sitting at opposite ends of the wall… and a killer headache raging somewhere in between it all.

Both males looked up at me at the same time, brown eyes and black. I cocked my head to the side as I took in their expressions. Who were these people? Something was tugging at the back of my mind, but I ignored it as they continued to gaze at me.

Why did this feel…embarrassing? Like I should be hanging my head instead of gazing in wonder at the two beauties gracing my presence? I couldn't understand.

Slowly- or at least it seemed that way to me- I became aware of a third body in the room. This person was not male, and was holding an annoying flashy thing up to my face, the reason for all the light I realized. They kept up blinking it, shining it right in my face. It was seriously getting bothersome, almost painful as my pupils contracted in response.

"Would you _stop_?" I asked the lady, surprised I'd been able to find my voice. I still couldn't make much sense of anything; it was hard enough trying to figure it out _without_ the light. Ugh, my head was really killing me.

No one had responded to me, the flashlight lady was staring at me jaw dropped, as if I wasn't supposed to have woken up yet. _Well, I had…_

"Bella?" She asked me, "Bella do you know who I am? Can you tell me your birth date?" What? Of course I could- oh. I guess I couldn't.

I shook my head in response to her question, earning me an audible sigh. I was still concerned about the eyes I could feel boring into my head from those two guys, why did it matter if I couldn't remember my own birthday? For some reason it just didn't seem so important…

"-medicine. Ware off in, maybe sleep…. tomorrow." Why was she talking in such chopped off sentences? It didn't make any sense, and my head was _hurting_. I had this odd hunch that I should tell her about it, so I did.

"My head…" I trailed off, and she nodded. I sensed her say something to someone beside me, but moving to find out who was just too much effort right now. What did my surroundings matter if I was dead, anyway? _Wait, dead…_topaz…

"You!" I shrieked, lunging at the guy with the black eyes. I didn't yet know the importance of my lunge, or why I even did it, but the nurse sure seemed to as she restrained me. _Nurse? _Where was all of this coming from? Why was I-

"Oww," I moaned, the intense pounding in my head worsening with every thought.

"I know, honey. Just rest, it'll get better," the nurse-lady promised me. She hit a button, and I felt the familiar course of morphine through my bloodstream. Sweet relief…

"Make them…" I trailed off in my sentence, the word _leave_ not quite hitting my lips as I fell under. Nothing made sense today anyway; I just hoped it would get clearer. However, some unconscious part of me snickered at that. Some unconscious part of me told me I didn't want it to get clearer, that life sucks and then you die. I laughed in my sleep- that was something Jacob would say. Whoever Jacob was.

**EPOV**

I groaned in my seat the second she shut her eyes once again. Thad had been scary. That had been beyond…and she seriously had to lunge at me? Was it really necessary? And she hadn't even been in her right state of _mind _and she knew to do that…there would be no hope for us when she awoke in full consciousness. We were…for lack of better word, _screwed_ as the boy had put it earlier.

"She will get better, trust me," the nurse comforted us. _Us._ This was so strange, having a werewolf not ten feet away from me…and not ripping each other apart. I was still extremely reluctant about letting him this close to Bella, but for one of his kind he seemed to have exceptional control over himself. Weird things happen everyday, I suppose. But this…

"Yeah well, how damn long are we going to have to _wait_ for her to get better?" the wolf demanded, Jacob. His name was Jacob…I couldn't really decide if I liked him or not. From his thoughts I'd learned he'd been spending lots of time with Bella recently, become somewhat of her best friend. Only Bella could move on from a vampire boyfriend to a werewolf best friend…I wondered what she had next on her list of mythical creatures to meet. Still, the wolf…I didn't like it. He was much too dangerous for her to be around, and being so young I really couldn't trust him. But he seemed genuinely worried for my love, along with genuinely carrying a hate for me…well, at least that's what his thoughts gave away.

We didn't talk much. Mostly we both just watched Bella, urging her silently to wake up…and actually _wake up_, not mumble something in her sleep or groggily tell us to leave (both of which had been done on multiple accounts.)

It was highly irritating, just waiting, and I found the time lapse between her false alarms and the rooms silence growing longer and longer each hour. Someone had told us that it just meant she would wake up soon, that her body was preparing…_for what?_ It's not like we were going to _attack _her for heavens sake!

I put my head in my hands, trying not to start tapping my fingers again. I could tell from the boys mind that it annoyed him, and he seemed to have an easy temper already, being a wolf…and just, well, him. He had already phased once. Best not to provoke the young…

**BPOV**

My mind was going everywhere in my sleep, but always falling on the same memory; me on my hands and knees, puking over the toilet, blood dripping from my wrists. It was disgusting, but it had been so awesome in the moment. It was just something I'd tried back in Phoenix, when I'd gotten in with the wrong crowd for a week or two. Renée had freaked when I came home that night, smelling like God knows what. And that…had been the end of my relationship with those people, and my cutting…for then. The puking I kept up, I really _did _seem to have had an eating disorder. How strange.

Truthfully, I couldn't recall the first time I cut after that. I just know that some time after _he_ left, I started. And I didn't stop. I guess you could say I had an addiction, but I liked to think of it more along the lines of 'I just had a lot of pain.' At least, that would be my excuse if anyone ever found out. I had my suspicions that Angela knew something since she kept giving me these weird looks a few times during lunch, but she didn't confront me, so it wasn't a big deal.

There was a lot of my kind, I was quickly finding out. People who cut, burned, choked, scratched...the list went on and on. I'd found them easily…naturally, all I'd done was type in 'cutting' on google. Google _did_ seem to have served me well in the past, so…why not try again?

The online communities welcomed me as their own, and I gladly accepted. I do remember the first time I went on a pro-cutting website. That had been exactly 23 days after I started, when I was starting to scare myself a little. I didn't want to stop, but the whole concept was beginning to seem pretty twisted. That was when I found them, or more so _they _found _me_, I should say. Hah. I felt like Darwin from The Wild Thornberry's.

It had been terrible at first. People bashing me for my childish thoughts, schoolgirl fears. Laughing at me because I couldn't hold a razor to my skin and keep my eyes open. Well, I improved, sure. But never enough...never enough for them to be proud of me, for my new online family to approve. It was always more, more, and more. It reminded me creepily of people encouraging kids to commit suicide, only slower. I didn't want to be one of those people, but when you give a six year old a lollipop...or an eighteen year old a sharp object...trust was granted, and fears removed.

They talked me through all of it, first buying the tools to commit, then the tools to cover up, and then the tools to continue... everything I needed it, with no suspicion guaranteed. Charlie still had no idea what his little girl had become. _Charlie_...the only reason that kept me grounded, that made me clean up my messes and cover up my scars. My savior, again and again. Too many times. It was annoying.

The cycle continued, cut and run, cut and run, cut and run...my mind would drift off to the bathroom while I talked with a filter, never listening anymore. I was tired of listening. It seemed I always used to have to listen, always put others needs before mine. Well, that sure changed. I stopped relying on others to grant me my happiness, because others were real. Others had_ feelings_ and _emotions _and all of that other crap that made them unreliable. Knives didn't. Razors didn't, and neither did any other intimate object. Trust-worthy, that's what they were. I could always depend on something sharp to get me out of my depression; it was the only thing that was _always_, always there. Always.

**EPOV**

Watching my angel sleep, I couldn't help my thoughts from drifting. Apparently the boy couldn't either, for his mind went directly to where mine already was. Through his memories I saw her lying alone in the forest, saw the alpha wolf…Sam…take her back to Charlie, saw him run to her as she stayed completely still. This was torture.

I'd thought about it too much already, I hated the memories I had on my own- I didn't need his to confirm my clawing suspicions. But now every drop of rain, every heartbeat she produced would be forever imprinted in my mind. Well, really, everything my angel did left an imprint on me, every sigh she made, every tear that escaped…

I'd tormented myself nearly to the death remembering, but now that she was safe in front of me, now that I was actually physically _seeing_ her breathing being…I could remember, and it didn't hurt quite so much. _As_ much…that day. That day had been Hell…and if that was what I was destined for when I finally was destroyed, well then I would do everything in my power to make sure it never came to it. I would take life a thousand times before I surrendered to that kind of death. I would take anything before I surrendered to that...

_Her eyes were broken and they hurt me so much worse than I could ever have anticipated. How could I do this to an angel so defenseless? Of course she was an angel, there was no doubt in my mind that she was from as different a species as mine. Her kind was rare, and I was killing her. It sickened me so much that some part of me liked that, the same dark corner of my thoughts that had almost killed her that damned day too long ago already. I would never survive leaving her._

_The monster within me roared as I sped away from the fresh blood, not wanting for her to see me like this. It was the least I could do for her, give her a clean slate to start with. Obliterate all lingering hope, like the demon I was…_

_As for myself, I wanted to die, then and there. The possibility of provoking the Volturi briefly flitted through my head, but I pushed the thought away by telling myself that I wouldn't be so weak. Fighting, fighting, fighting. I was always fighting for self-control, no matter what others would assume. It was as much a part of my nature as being cold or drinking blood, and I envied every single one of my family members for making it seem so easy. Even Jasper was better than me, thought he didn't see it. Right now he was just buying into the instincts, not even trying to fight them when his control broke. He would get better with time, but I had always been this way. Fighting, killing, and hurting. They were the only things I was really good at, what I was made for. If Carlisle hadn't pushed his beliefs onto me, I could be unstoppable, better than anyone yet to rule…yet he had, which was the core reason for my speeding away from a very precious brown-haired girl, left by the forest in the ever present rain, alone. _

My eyes snapped back to her limp form when mumbled again, and I groaned internally. She was _killing_ us, the wolf and I. I could tell that this was rough for him, that had really did love her…maybe if I'd stayed away, she could have fallen for him. Maybe if I stayed away…

_Bella wasn't here. I had no idea exactly where 'here' even was, but it was dark and dusty in the small gray house, the happy couple out for the night. The wife had recently suffered a minor injury at a tennis practice with her friends; the reason for the house's poor condition. Her adoring husband had been helping out a little, but men only knew how to do so much when it came to housework. Jeannette and Keith, 49 and 55. No children, but perfectly content with just the two of them, as always. _

_All this from thoughts…Carlisle called what I could do a gift, Rosalie an intrusion of privacy. Every single human mind was subject to my invasion, every single one except for one._

_Bella. The word burned in my throat just thinking it, and again I found the hollowness in my chest expand into an obliterating force, my hands on the stairway ready to run. It was only myself keeping her away, and I didn't want any of it. What I wanted was to be happily in love with my would-be fiancé, going out for the night like the couple that lived 'here.' Here, not Forks. Jeannette and Keith, not Bella and Edward. 49 and 55, not 18 and frozen. Human and human. __Not us._

It was true that many different things were thought about my ability to read minds. Well these days I considered it a curse.


	7. Heartbeat

**A/N:** Hey guys, sorry it's been so long and that this one's short! It's been a while because I returned to writing _Addiction_ (in case you were wondering) so if you haven't yet, go check that out and tell me how the two compare, pleasee. It would be much appreciated, and as always…

_Song For This Chapter: Heartbeat – Nneka_

**R&R my lovelies, you really are :)**

**CPOV**

This was going to be hard, I could tell before I even walked through the hospital doors. I knew it was a risk, returning here, but this was Bella we were talking about, and she was my daughter. _My daughter who had just tried to kill herself..._ I shook off the unwelcome thought as it hit, for thinking with my current state of mind would accomplish nothing here.

Room 216, they told me. The front desk- the young nurse's assistant, what was her name…Cathy Bailey, in particular- had been very surprised to see me. But why? My underage son was here; of course I would come! What kind of father did they think I was? They were my 'adopted' children, yes, but since when has parenting possessed a time quota to be completed before it can be considered 'good'?

I was being unfair and only irritating myself. Maybe my thoughts were off about my former staffs' opinions. That was entirely possible, I was sure. Bailey, for example, could easily be in shock by my return no matter the occasion. I was aware that she'd had a sort of romantic attraction to me, but it seemed this way wherever I worked. Vampires were exceptionally good-looking to human eyes, a fact that did not go missed by our kind. Yes, this was the most logical explanation for their stunned demeanor, curious gazes…

Room 216. Of course a hospital in such a small town would never possess enough space for 216 rooms, but this was a common practice in many small businesses; make yourself look big.

I normally would have found the thought of a small hospital listing such large room numbers amusing, but today that was not the case.

I'd never minded places of healing even in my human life, but the hospital appeared dark today, reeking of the death of all of those unnamed souls who could not be saved. It was mostly in my head, of course...but I was just glad my daughter wasn't one of them.

In actuality, I'd always considered Bella my daughter, ever since my son had caught her interest. You could see it in his eyes, the love...and I knew then that she would become an invaluable piece of my family. _Family_. What a strange word it was, for one such as me to use. Yet _coven_ or _pack_ never seemed to fit when referring to what we shared. It was, for in all practical purposes, a family. A father and a mother, children...one of them suffering. _Bella._

_I could never blame my son_, I thought to myself as I started up the stairs leading to her room. Walking at a human pace was giving me time to think, though it certainly slowed me down. _Not after what Alice saw...he was only afraid_. So selfless, my boy, that he would leave his one true mate to give her the chance at a better life. I had never agreed with his decision, no, but I had accepted it as something he needed to do. We had moved for the others before, and this time would be no different, regardless of the person asking. It was Edward's turn. And so we left.

**BPOV**

I woke with no confusion. None of the usual grogginess existed in my mind, nothing to suggest a recent dose of morphine. No, I knew _exactly_ where I was. I could taste the familiar scent of an overly sterile hospital on my tongue, hear the chattering of idle nurses and the quick footsteps of the doctors who were on duty. I could sense the eyes watching me while I 'slept', feel the IV that must be dripping into my veins. Everything was clear, as sharp as the images flashing behind my closed eyes. The only thing I didn't know was who I was. Was I the male, the muscular, tan boy that kept on appearing in my vision? Or was I the girl, the brown-headed one who kept blushing so much? I could be anyone, and ugh, this was exhausting. So many faces, so many details… No, I was pretty sure I was the girl. The way I viewed her, it always seemed as if through a mirror. The backward words on her t-shirt proved that. So…if I was the girl, then who were those _guys_? Because I was slowly becoming aware of another one, a beautiful angel with bronze hair…_who had bronze hair?_ I was trying to place a name on him, a word to be called…e-something? That was all I could sense. The other one…well, I had no idea who that other guy was. I guess I was closer to the 'e' person. So then what _was_ my relation to these two people? I thought about the bronze haired one again. Anger. That's what I felt when I thought of _him_, when that glorious face crossed my vision… So I was mad at him? Okay, sure. I tried the same exercise with the other. Shame. Well…that didn't make sense. How could the two be tied to each other, then? Actually, did they even _know_ each other? I had a sense they did, but how I had no idea. It was really getting irritating, knowing, but at the same time _not knowing_. Why couldn't I just remember the whole story? And who was _I_? A girl who blushed easily and somehow, knew these two perfect males? Was angry with one of them? Felt ashamed towards the other? That didn't give me much, whoever _I_ was. _Bella. _Oh! The thought surprised me; so I had a name, Bella. Wait, not quite…it didn't feel right…_Isabella._ There, that was correct. I was _Isabella_…no, not that either? Maybe…maybe I went by Bella, but my full name was Isabella. That sounded better, right somehow. So, Bella what? Bella…Goose? _Why am I thinking about birds?_ No, definitely not. That was a funny name, Isabella Goose. But it was close…maybe I was named after a bird. But it could be anything, and birds scared me a little. A pigeon had bit me when I was little…wait, so _now _I could remember that? Swan! Isabella _Swan_, no wonder I'd been thinking about geese. I giggled. My mind was so messed up. It must be the…morphine. Ugh, I hated morphine. It took too long to clear your head after more than one dose; I'd learned that the first time around. _First time around?_ I groaned. What _was _this? Anger. Why was I feeling so _angry_? It kept coming in bursts, like I was building up to something. But what? _There it was again…_like my veins were pumping it, rather than something being pumped into my veins. Geez, the morphine was _nothing_ compared to this feeling, this rage. I wanted to kill someone. Kill…_kill_…

**EPOV**

Bella was moving. True, it was just barely. And sure, no one else seemed to have noticed yet. But I…well, for one, her breathing had picked up, suggesting she had woken up, and her muscles were barely tensing. Her eyes remained closed.

Out of the blue the boy's thoughts picked up; he had seen it too. We looked at each other for a moment, locking gazes, before he pressed a button on the wall to send in a nurse. If Bella really was waking up, now…I froze. Her eyes had flown wide open, and she was staring right at us…with a look of unmistakable rage.

**BPOV**

I didn't know what to say, do, or how to act. All I knew, in that one second of understanding, was that I _hated_ them. Both of them, truly and fully. _Hate_. It pulsed through my veins like the venom, pure and strong. My heart was beating. It was their entire fault, both of them. A million possibilities ran through my mind, from jumping out the window to using the IV to stab myself. None of them would work in time, they were just too fast. I closed my eyes again.

A nurse walked in. I could tell from the size of the footsteps, the sound of tennis shoes squeaking against the linoleum floor. Nurses always wore tennis shoes, like they were about to run a marathon. I had never understood it.

And now there was that damn light again, the one straight against my eyeballs. She wanted me awake. _Fine._

"Bella," she smiled when I reopened my eyes, "Welcome back."

Oh please. I wanted to be sick. _Maybe I could pull off another eating disorder and get myself locked up in a psych ward._ There was no way they could penetrate _that_, was there? And there were plenty of sharp objects in there I could work with. I hated needles, but if it came to that, they would do.

"How do you feel, honey?" She asked me. _Never been worse._

"Fantastic," I smiled back. Time to survey the damage. I was in normal hospital clothes, so they could easily see my arms, which would be the most obvious. So they would know about the cutting…I needed to get out of this. I needed some kind of excuse, something that wouldn't scream _suicide risk_ so I could actually leave.

Which meant I had to kill _their_ credibility. So, which cards did that leave me with? I could always play rape, but it would be hard with two of them. Psychotic ex-boyfriend, angry best friend…there were so many ways I could frame _one_ of them, say _they pushed me_ off the cliff. But none of it would work with two. _Damn it._

I tried to sit up, but it hurt like hell. I did so anyway. The nurse gave me a disapproving look, as if she didn't know what to say but wanted me to lie back down in case it hurt me. She subtly hinted that I should try to get some sleep before she came back later to check up, and left. _Giving me time. _Not good, not good at all…they were making assumptions already, thinking I would need time to recover before I could talk. So I would have to make it traumatic, whatever it was.

I subconsciously tapped my finger on the side of the bed rail, trying to clear my head from its whirlwind of emotions and _think_. I _had_ to get out of this one, or I would never get what I wanted.

"Bella."

It was Edward's voice. He could probably see it on my face, the scheming. _Screw him._ I didn't respond; he didn't deserve a response after that little stunt by the cliffs. He would _never _deserve a response after that. Fury overtook me at the mere sound of his beautiful voice, like a choir of angels. _Screw him for good._

I looked back down at myself. My arm was in a cast; I had bandages on both of my legs. _At least they're not broken, _I thought. My head definitely hurt, so I'd probably hit it, too. _At least I'm not blind. _Oh _give it a rest_…. I always tried to tell myself I was better off than I actually was. In truth, I knew I was pretty banged up. Worse than the James incident. I sighed.

I wondered why Jake hadn't said anything, I knew he was here. _Screw him, too. _I hated all of the people occupying this room. At least Charlie wasn't. He would be the hardest person to face, I was desperately glad he was gone. Probably getting coffee, or maybe there'd been an accident and he'd been forced to work…he wouldn't have liked it, but he would if they guaranteed him I was safe. _Safe_, not just _okay_. Charlie would never settle for a simple 'okay.'

This was enough. I pressed the nurse's button to my right, comforted in the fact that one would arrive here any second...I couldn't deal with their presence anymore, it was just too much. I hoped it wouldn't be the same nurse from before.

The wait was endless, the silence pressing like physical pressure into my skin. I started tapping the bed rail again, avoiding their eyes. _Come on… _I paused in my breaths, sensing something other than the distant chatter down the hall, and the heart monitor beeping beside me. Footsteps, coming in my direction. _Finally._

I sighed and ceased my tapping, eyes fixated on the doorframe. I did not expect who walked in.


	8. Drops of Jupiter

**A/N: **Hey guys, so...I have a bad habit of writing out of order, hence the delay. Anyway, hereeee it is. Tell me about it.

_Song For This Chapter: Drops of Jupiter - Train_

**R&R my lovelies, because I love you! :]**

**BPOV**

_Carlisle._ I was not expecting this, not prepared for his sight in the slightest. I swallowed loudly, my gaze not leaving his own. He was a mess. Not just the normal 'I'm a vampire that needs to hunt' mess, a complete and utter _mess_. Dark circles lined his pitch-black eyes, darker than they would normally appear to be, and both his hair and his clothes were soaked, the outcome giving him an all around gray appearance; but that wasn't even it. It was his _face_…he just looked, well, scared. Horrified.

Guilt swept over me in an obliterating wave, and I instantly looked down to avoid his heartbreaking stare. Abruptly I wanted to cover myself up, to keep him from seeing all of the damage they'd caused. _They're just scars, Bella, _I reminded myself. But not to them. Not to…him.

I wondered idly why it was Carlisle that would bring about such a reaction from me, why it wouldn't fall on the sight of Charlie, or Jacob. Carlisle wasn't even my actual dad, and he _definitely _wasn't my best friend… Wouldn't they be more important, wouldn't I feel more shame towards them? _Apparently not._

A nurse walked back in, barely squeezing in next to Carlisle's frozen form. She looked a little huffy already, but nonetheless put on a smile when she saw me awake and moving. She was average looking, with unnatural platinum blonde hair that fell just below her shoulders, and a slight curve to her body in its baggy nurses uniform. It was green and had bears on it. It was not calming.

"What can I do for you, honey?" She asked me, but my brain was on hold. No longer could I speak the words 'No visitors,' let alone form a complete sentence requesting my guests to be ordered out. His presence had changed all of that. _Stupid Carlisle._

"I-" What was I going to say now? I had no idea, no idea whatsoever. All I wanted was to be in a room, say, five thousand miles away from this one. Was that so hard? I went with the next best thing I could think of. I pointed to the IV drip, silently requesting more pain medicine. Anything to wipe me out…

A sympathetic look crossed her face before she spoke, and dread immediately took occupancy in my stomach. "You're not really supposed to get any more of that until the doctor checks in, sweetheart…" I froze. Was she serious? _Oh no_. She had better give me the damn meds or this was about to get ugly, of that I was sure. "But…" She looked at my tortured form, then back at the rooms remaining occupants. "You're still in pain?" She asked me, to which I nodded my head vigorously, even though it was not of the physical sort. She sighed.

"Ten minutes." She walked out, closing the door behind her.

I nodded at no one in particular, trying to hold back the lump in my throat. _She seriously was serious._ Ten minutes. Ten minutes. Well how on earth was I going to survive ten more minutes of _this?_ My breathing was becoming erratic; I could hear it on the heart monitor…meaning everyone else could, too. _Great._

I carefully lay back down on the bed, pulling the sheets up over me as far as I dared. I shut my eyes.

From underneath the covers I sensed, rather than heard, Carlisle step farther into the room. For a moment there was a low murmuring of voices to my left, and then silence. This silence was killing me. I counted the seconds in my head, 30. 31. 32. Was I supposed to say something to him? Like,_ 'thanks for coming, but I'm fine now and you can leave?' _Because that just really didn't seem appropriate.

There was a ruffling to my left, and I reluctantly peeked out of one eye to see Carlisle browsing through some papers in a big manila folder…my file. Carlisle was going through my file. What the _hell_?

"_What are you doing_?" I nearly screamed. I sat bolt right, staring at him in a look of pure outrage. In that moment I didn't even care that those would be my first words towards him, didn't even attempt to regain control over my voice. He had _no right_.

"Looking through your case," he confirmed. I gaped at him.

"But you can't just…! _That's_-" I made a move to grab it from him, but of course he was faster. They were always faster. In an instant he was on the other side of the room, face still buried in the information.

"As your former doctor and a valid medical practitioner, not to mention a _concerned parent_, I think I have every right to be," he spat at me, flipping the page. I was pretty sure that none of those would fall under actual _legal_ reasons…but I got the point. He could go through my file no matter what I said, justified or not. And now I'd gotten him angry.

I shrunk back into myself, not wanting to be here at all. I felt helpless again, ashamed even…that was until a certain someone snapped up and grabbed it from his father's hands. _Edward._ I was incredibly grateful, even though I still hated him so much. At least he spared me this one thing…

He carefully walked back over to my left side, to return the papers to their proper place. Carlisle glowered at his son, disapproval written all over his face. He crossed his arms over his chest, tapping his foot impatiently. _Did he expect to get them back_?

Edward winced at something, the sound immediately pulling me back to him. His face was contorted in a grimace, and he was clutching the file with much more intensity than I thought was strictly necessary.

"I get it," he told his father. Get what? What-

"_She_ obviously doesn't," Carlisle scoffed. Oh, so now they were going to talk about me while I was right here? Before even talking to _me_? Perfect.

"You can't talk about me when I'm still in the room..." I objected, and immediately covered my mouth with my hands, shocked. I hadn't meant to speak, it had just _come out_…_please don't respond please don't respond…_

There was a pause. Was I actually going to get _lucky_? Were they actually going to _ignore _me? But there was nothing I wanted more in that moment- so of course I wouldn't get it.

"Technically we're not both…speaking," Edward said, cautiously breaking the silence and indicating that most of the conversation was going on in his mind- nothing I hadn't suspected already. I hesitated before continuing, _should I?_ But I was in too deep to go back now.

"I know," I mumbled- I did. " But still. That's not…fair." Someone laughed on the other side of the room. I glared.

"Your fucking going to tell _them_ what's fair, Bella?" I recognized the voice immediately, would register it in my sleep; Jacob had finally decided to join in the conversation.

I sucked in a deep breath, even as I did it wishing I wasn't. It only made my head clearer, allowed me to focus on the malice in his words… Oh god I couldn't do this. Escape. I needed an escape…_when was the damn nurse going to get here_! I turned and jammed the call button again; surely it had to have been ten minutes, by now? …Or at least they would give it to me early? Pity me and give in? After all, it had worked before…

Jacob eyed me suspiciously, pursing his lips, and then jumped out of his seat and walked over to the bedside table. He pressed a button on the phone.

"Sorry, that was a false alarm. We're fine in here," he alerted…the nurse's station! Wait, _what_?

"I don't think we're-"

He cut me off, hanging up the phone as he did so. "You're not getting yourself out of this one, Bella. Don't even think about it," he shot. "You can at least wait until Nurse Bitch comes back, the ten minutes aren't even up. Deal."

I was incoherent. This situation was not possible, not probable, not… "She wasn't a bitch," I mumbled, the words flying out of my mouth before I could stop them.

"She's giving you more morphine," he stated. "Even though you don't need it. That roughly translates into the word _bitch_." I didn't respond.

Edward and Carlisle had remained silent during our quick exchange, and I steeled myself for their complaints. However, in that short time Carlisle had somehow managed to steal the file back from his son, and was now pouring over it with a growing look of dislike. I was instantly defensive. And wait, _why _had Edward let him have it?

"It's not that-" I started, catching myself just in time; I was going to say _bad_, but really, it was.

"Four emergency room visits in the past five months? How were you able to keep this from Charlie?" Carlisle asked me, shocked. I groaned.

_Alice_. Of course she would tell them when I start cutting myself, and conveniently leave out to what extent. Of course Carlisle would want to know what Charlie was doing about it, and of course she would tell him he didn't know. Of course.

"Stop," I told him; I couldn't handle this right now.

"All for blood loss, unsurprisingly…" He snorted, ignoring my previous request. He shook his head in disbelief. _This is enough; he's going too far._

"Did you ever even _think _about talking to someone, Bella?" He was looking me directly in the eyes, his calm mask of control slipping through his fingertips.

"Say, going to a school counselor, maybe even getting therapy?" He better shut up or I was going to lose it. Already I could feel the anger pulsing back through my veins, encasing me with its vehemence.

"Carlisle," I demanded, "Stop."

He didn't. "Damn it, Bella, there are so many _other_ ways of dealing! _Why _would you choose this, why would you? You must have known what it would do to you, the addiction it would cause? Why would you do this to yourself?" He pleaded, his anger having been temporarily subsided in place of grief. This I could not handle.

My breathing began to pick up in earnest, and all I could see was his face forming the same question, again and again: _Why would you do this to yourself?_ _Why would you do this to yourself?_

I wanted to punch something, to collapse, to do anything other than sit here trapped in his words. _Why would you do this to yourself?_

Somebody seemed to sense that I had reached my limit, for in vampire speed Carlisle was by my side, checking my pulse by hand while apologizing profusely, trying urgently to calm me. It was not working.

_Why would you do this to yourself?_ _Why would you do this to yourself?_

But I didn't know! I never meant to hurt him, I never did! It was never about them, they were perfect, always so perfect… _Why would you do this to yourself?_

The world began to spin, sound and vision going in and out of focus. I felt instantly overheated, sweat dewing up on my forehead.

"I'm not- I _couldn't_-" I failed to form a complete sentence; all I wanted was to give him an explanation, a logical answer to that hideous question, and I couldn't. Part of this was due to the fact that I couldn't breathe.

_Why would you do this to yourself?_ _Why would you do this to yourself?_ _Why would you do this to yourself?_ Someone was shaking me, someone's face was right next to mine and there was this erratic beeping and tennis shoes squeaking and _why would you do this to yourself, Bella!_

_Because there was no other way! _I wanted to scream. _Because I didn't know what else to do! Because you left me in a forest and the next day I woke up and you were gone and the day after that you were still gone and I kept waking up and you kept staying gone and you never came back or called or gave me any explanation that would explain the horror of leading me on and dropping me, because you told me you loved me and left me, because you were my life, and it was as if you never existed..._

I never got a chance to say any of it. At exactly the same moment in which I started to, a button was pressed, and morphine blasted into my system, quick and strong. _God I hate morphine._

Soon after I felt myself being rapidly sent into a happy, oblivious, peace-filled slumber, one in which I would remain until they stopped pressing the button.

And then it was 'scratch that,' because _God I love morphine…_


End file.
